Grief and the Four Burners Theory
Looking back through my journals from the pre-cancer days, I was really preoccupied with how many projects I was juggling. What direction was I going? Should I keep going with my company? Who should I pitch it to? Was I being accountable? How to crack the nut of this or that. And you know what? It doesn’t really matter. Whatever you’re doing is what you are doing. Now, I think of all the hours I wasted worrying about that stuff and how I could have let it go and just enjoyed my time with Daryl and let go of the anxiety.
What is the Four Burners Theory?
The Four Burners Theory says that “in order to be successful you have to cut off one of your burners. And in order to be really successful you have to cut off two.”
The first burner represents your family.
The second burner is your friends.
The third burner is your health.
The fourth burner is your work.
Grief blows up the entire stove. If you can find the pilot light again, you’re lucky. Grief is an arsonist, just not a good one because it leaves its trace everywhere.
There are some days, with grief that all the burners are off completely and the only burner that’s on is Netflix.
But, it’s also clarifying. You suddenly realize, in an instant, what matters and what doesn’t. Who and what is wasting your time, taking your energy and abusing it and who and what gives you life. It’s simple and profound. Grief and death cuts through the bullshit and despite the result, there is something honorable about it.
Notes on a few other things I’ve stopped caring about after Daryl died:
How others feel about my taste in movies or TV. See: cheesy Christmas movies, rom-coms and Emily in Paris. I’ve come to understand, after years of being a snob about such things, that if something makes you feel good, it makes you feel good. No one else is watching, and while others may have their opinions about the value of what you are watching, who the f cares?
Coffee. This fall and winter, I drank copious amounts of flavored coffee. Even pumpkin spiced flavor. You know why? Because I f-ing like it.
Productivity and the Meaning/Value of My Life Based on My Occupation.
This is a big one. It’s also the one I most easily let go of in terms of how it impacts my self-worth, but kept the guilt.